"How do you do it?" I asked Mani,

Manilla slowly stops browsing her phone and looks at me with a concerned look. She knew that I have always despised that look, it gets me emotional, and showing emotions makes one weak, she has been trying to respect that for a while now, but today, she fails to hide that expression on her face, for the past few days I have been living in my mind, withdrawn and in silence, deleting my socials and refusing to converse.

Whenever I needed to think, I'd withdraw, stay silent, but I'd always enjoy the company of others, listening to their exaggerated stories, judging them while knowing the sins I harbor in darkness can never be matched. I get why she is concerned; I'm also concerned, I have been confused lately, about a whole lot of things, I just can't figure anything out. Mani has been more than patient, she knows I rarely share my problems, and now that I'm talking, she's more than happy to listen.

"What do you mean?" She asks.

"Marriage."

I respond silently. I release a defeating sigh,

"You got everything figured out."

She looks at me and lets out a cruel laughter which I definitely hate. Her light brown eyes scanning my face as if she's figured me out already, of course, by now she has known what's troubling me, I look at her and roll my eyes even knowing that it has no effect on her, she's my sister, I've been rolling my eyes at her for the past twenty years so nothing's new, damn! I need to find new ways of annoying her.

"Love," she snorts, "I can't believe love has humbled the mighty Victoria" she laughs, sarcastically.

I gulp down the third glass of Cabernet Sauvignon and carry the remainder in the bottle heading to the guest room. I always visit her over the weekend, especially now that she's almost due for delivery and her husband is always travelling to expand their silk manufacturing business.

"C’mon Vicky, don't overreact, I mean, you are one logical person, I'm just surprised how love can confuse you."

I stare at her sternly refusing to calm down.

"Alright then, I'll give you a bar of the Italian-mint flavored chocolate, just come and sit, let's talk it out."

Manilla always knew how to bribe me, it has always been easy to do that, I'm materialistic, unlike her, who values the little things that life has to offer, here's the irony, life hasn't always been little for her, for us, but that doesn't mean we are spoiled, on the contrary, by the time I was thirteen, I had known how to file taxes and balance the accounts. Our parents have always ensured that we learn everything that there was to learn, taking extra classes, with a strict curriculum routine. Mani hated it, she was good at almost every subject but I was better, where she beat me was people's skills, she's got the emotional intelligence that I lack, but the logic capabilities that I possess remain unmatched.

I walked back to the light brown sofa made of Cambridge fabric that was imported from England two years ago when she and the husband met the Duke of Cornwall for high tea, how I wished they would have arranged a marriage for me, I mean we live in a world where we choose our own lovers, but I find that I am incapable of doing so, so yes, I wouldn't have minded and arranged one, but of course, racism still persist, I'm beautiful, with a well-toned chocolate complexion, big cartooned eyes, thin and long fingers, and woolen hair that sits just below my shoulders when left unbraided, I am about 5'2 in height but that's never a problem, I walk upright in a four inch heel, my features speak African because that's who I am, but even I from a filthy rich family, isn't immune to discrimination.

Sited, I decided that I'll just drink from the bottle, it's easier and rachet, I love being a rachet. I find the word disgusting to use since it came about by defining women who did not follow societal rules, but I still use it anyway, maybe I might eventually change it's meaning because why not?

"What has Dan done this time?" She inquires.

"Apart from the small arguments here and there and us trying to figure out what to compromise or not for each other, he's ok, I think this time the problem is me."

I've never liked to admit it when I'm wrong, but for this, I am very sure that there was something seriously wrong with me. I mean, Dan is a good guy, he provides, he hugs me when I'm sad, he never lets us sleep angry at each other, but I really don't know if I love him, well, as I said, I'm confused, when he looks at me, when he cuddles me and when I lay in his chest, I feel that I just want to tell him how much I love him, we haven't yet said those three words to each other, I don't know his reasons, but for I, I want to be sure first.

"I don't know if I really love him or he's just my comfort zone." I continue. There is silence for a while before I proceed, "Whenever I'm angry at him, I tend to think about someone else", I say silently.

She clears her throat before proceeding, "Do I know this other guy?"

"No." I cut her short. "He showed interest in me before Dan even recognized my existence, but I just couldn't hit it off with him," I needed her to know the whole story.

"Why not?" she asked.

"I had a feeling that I was not the only he was chasing, whenever we hanged out in a group, he would ignore me and then he would later text me as if he did nothing wrong, and after I refused to sleep with him, he seized replying to my texts," I sighed.

Mani gave me a long stare, carefully choosing her words, then she asked, "Did that behavior hurt you?"

"Yes it did Mani, it hurt like hell, but I couldn't show him, and that's not even the sad part, I don't know why I got hurt yet he's not someone that I would want to get married to," I admitted to her.

I always knew what I wanted, I knew I was just lusting for him, but I also wanted it all, and I wanted control, I wanted attention which he couldn't offer me then, he still can't offer me now, but I think about how his lips would feel when he touched mine, how my skin would melt from his touch, and how my weight would be insignificant when he carries me to his bed, how his breath would feel in my ears, and how he'd feel inside me, I've always been curious, perhaps if I would have let him hit those days, I wouldn't be thinking about him now, Mani says that if I was a guy, I'd be a fuckboy, and she's right, only that in this age of patriarchy, women are shamed if they express their sexual independence.

"That's not even the worst part" I pause, "I might have fallen in love with a married man"

I could see her eyes widen with shock, she knows that as much as I love having fun, I hold a high moral obligation to the married and that's a boundary I have always promised myself not to cross! She struggles to find words, but her blank stares tell me that she just doesn't know what to tell me.

"I first saw him at a business summit last year, he was tall, dark and had a soothing voice, he had no ring, and after he introduced himself, I quickly googled him and I saw that he was well learned, no article mentioned his wife, I immediately fell in love with him," I take a long breath and using my eyes plead her to say something.

"How did you know that he was married?" She asks, still surprised.

"He told me, that night I had three glasses of long island and he was sited next to me, I asked if he had a wife and he said yes, but I didn't believe him that night and many other days to come until I stumbled upon an Instagram post of a lady who had tagged him as the love of his life, and scrolled even further to see that they even have children, but I was too far gone" I pause, "Seven months later I couldn't keep it to myself anymore, I opened up, and he had no problem with it", I bring my palms to my face defeated.

"Have you slept with him yet?" Mani questions, she's genuinely curious as I been in compromising situations before but not like this, most of the drama from my life comes from one night stands or situationships, but this was neither of those.

"No," I look at her reassuringly, "I wanted to do it though, I was ready to do it," I answered her ashamed.

"What stopped you?" She insisted on knowing.

"The conversations, they were flirty and hot, and as you know I'm impulsive, the conversations dragged on, and as I waited for him to tell me the perfect day to meetup, I grew weary and aware, I become aware of what I was doing, I realized that I had gone through his wife's socials more than once and I wanted him and that scared me, so as much as it hurt me, I had to end it."

Manilla seemed relieved, otherwise that would have been a scandal not only for me, but for my entire family if it ever got to light, reputation is something that our parents never compromise on.

"And the other guy?" she asks, now relaxed.

"I also cut if off with him, he intentionally ignores me when we disagree on something" I say.

"Then why are you confused when you got everything figured out?" Mani scoffs.

"Because I've acted on logic, not emotions, my mind has accepted the outcome, but my heart, my heart is trying to figure out how to accept it." I say silently, I try to change the topic so that I can give her a more logical answer, "What are you going to name the baby?"

"I'll follow the family traditions, I conceived her at Athens" she smiles as she touches her Belly, "Athens, almost like the goddess Athena".

"Such a beautiful name." I smile, patiently waiting for my little niece's arrival.

Mani has been going to the washroom after every ten minutes for the past month, as she struggles to stand from the couch, I laugh at her, I'm sure she'll get back at me when I be in that same situation years later, before she disappears to the other side of the door, she looks at me and says,

"You know what your soul wants, you're just scared to admit it."